Yes, relapse is probably going to happen. Although they can be demoralizing and painful, occasional slips or complete bellyflops off the wagon are actually valuable to the long-range process. Sometimes the best thing for recovery is a good relapse. That’s how you learn about your needs, your limits, and your strengths to regroup.

If your friend relapses, it doesn’t mean he’s back to square one or that your efforts and support were a waste of time. Understand that he may need a number of tries to really stop for good. Most people do.

Sometimes it’s the very pressure to succeed in recovery that overwhelms people and prompts a relapse. People learn to drink and get high as a way to cope with uncomfortable feelings and stress. And nothing can be more uncomfortable and stressful than recovery, all that “in touch with your feelings” stuff and everyone’s high expectations for you. It’s not uncommon for people in recovery to hear themselves say, “hurry up and relapse” just so they can break the pressure, get it over with, and relax.

And remember all those attempts to quit before? Over time, all that failure really puts a dent in one’s confidence. Most addicts have a hard time believing in themselves, especially during and after a relapse. So even if you feel like the situation is hopeless, you can not act like it. Your friend will really need your cheerleader enthusiasm because he’s probably beating himself up inside more than you know. Encourage him to keep trying and remind him of his past accomplishments.

But truth be told, by the time your friend got into treatment, you were likely at your wit’s end. So if your friend relapses after all you went through, it’s understandable that you might feel angry, taken advantage of, or just plain “over it.” The key is to stay focused on the process of his recovery, not today’s status of his recovery. Things will change.

In conclusion

Granted, all of this is far easier said than done. Intellectually, you understand addiction is complex. You know you can’t make your friend change. You know you shouldn’t blame yourself. You know that his issues are his issues and yours are yours. But sometimes your reactions and emotions will not follow accordingly. That’s OK. Addiction isn’t very logical or rational either. Have faith that you are doing the best you can. And that your friend is doing the best he can. In the long run, you may be very surprised how it all turns out.

Written by Susan Kingston, Educator Consultant with the Drug Use and Prevention Team at Public Health - Seattle & King County